Fishes

We sat there, both lost in our own trail of thoughts. The sun minding its own business setting down to continue its work on lighting up the other side of the world. I can't help but compare the things going through my mind to the clouds scraping the whole sky; mindless of where they’re going yet still continuing its long journey. 

What We Could've Been

"Do you think if we were born as a fish, we'll have less to think about?" he voiced out loudly after an hour he spent in his own solace.

So much for another thought that I have to add in my long list of what ifs. 

"Does it really matter if we're a human or a fish or even a bird?" I answered nonsensically, not quite sure of what to answer to what I have thought a nonsense question.

He suddenly tore away his gaze from the sky and looked at me expectantly. When I didn't change my answer, he sighed dramatically like I'm missing his whole point. "Well, of course, it does!" He exclaimed like he has been so sure about it. 

I waved him off nonchalantly and spent my whole will straying my eyes away the most captivating skies I laid my eyes on to look at him directly in the eyes trying to find what he really meant and terribly failing. I just don't have the energy to think about such a foolish question, especially that my week had been draining from the shouting of my parents every single night to an endless school works due this week. I laughed a little too harshly disregarding him with a shake of my head as I turn to look at the skies again.

What You Became 

If you thought that something special happened that sunset, you're wrong and that's what I regret the most. I should've thought better and analyze carefully of what you have asked. I could've come up with a better answer and not just brushing you off. If I did, then I would've known what you had been thinking for days before that certain afternoon. I should've known what was going through your mind when I was so caught up dealing with my own shits. I just really wish I should've known so that I had even the slightest clue that.. you were tired. I could've accepted it better if you were tired of me. At least, I could still watch you from a far even if that means watching you with somebody else but.. but not like this.. I can't see you around yet I can feel you everywhere. I can feel you sitting right next to me on your usual spot inside the classroom or on our bed resting, scrolling through your Instagram feed. I can hear your laugh vibrating inside my ears that I had to double check if it is just my imagination or I really did hear you or smell your infamous perfume that I have grown into. You're everywhere yet I can't get a hold of you and that is much worse than a break up. 

Here I am for the hundredth time, the wind blowing sharply into my skin. Standing right above the grave you dug yourself, going back to the time I should've answered that not so stupid question. I should've but like the selfish person I am, I chose to ignore you and mind my own problems. 

The Guilt Eating Me Alive

And

I 

couldn’t wish

for 

more

but

to 

become 

a

fish,

And maybe then, I’d have less to think about.