Your Not-So-Gentle Hands

Ajani/him - he who wins the struggle

Alexandra/I - defender of mankind; helper

Zoe - life

Some bitch - whoever that girl was

“What was that?” He asked, right after the door shut closed, way too calmly compared to the storm swelling inside me. “Why?” He added, his look darted at me; accusing. Disappointed. Full of questions. 

“You don’t understand,” I said coldly, nothing like how I’ve spoken to him from the start. The walls are starting to close on me. It’s getting dark in here. 

He sat in silence for a whole minute. Probably doing what I always advised him to do when things are escalating quickly; something I failed to do earlier as I blew up. 

“I’m not aiming to understand how you feel because I’m not you.” He looked at me while something inside me snapped. 

“Tell me your reasons. I want to see things from your perspective.” He looked so mature and collected. If this was to happen before, I will be the one in his shoes saying what he’s saying right now and he’s the one on my shoes, enraged and fully swayed by emotions. I know, because what he just said is exactly what I told him when he lost his shit about his father.

He told me that was his turning point. He never knew there could be someone who looked beyond actions and put an effort to look for reasons, not until he met me. 

“Your hands were always gentle with me.” He said as he reached for my hand and enclosed it with his, resting his forehead on it. 

I can’t bring myself to say it. I was never gentle, not to anyone, not even to myself. He was an exception. 

We saw each other

The night when we first met, he thrashed around outside the local gig bar. He didn’t notice me. I was smoking my cigarette, trying to get rid of the alcohol in my system. I let him be for a few minutes; just kicking the ground, repeatedly uttering ‘fuck,’ and running his hands through his hair. Upon taking a closer look, he seemed disheveled and heavily intoxicated.

I have no intentions of stopping or calming him because if I was in his position, I would love to be left alone too. 

Just like in a cliche movie, I happened to topple over a metal trash can when I stepped back to stay more hidden from his line of view, causing his eyes to snap at mine. 

“Fuck,” this time it was my time to utter a curse. I thought this shit only happens in indie movies. I immediately raised both my hands to assure him that I’m no threat. He was heaving hard, probably from the tantrum he just threw. His eyes literally reflected the chaos he was feeling deep within. I figured he was not here with me.

I straightened my back then puffed my last smoke then stepped hard on the cigarette, all while he was looking at me. My stomp seemed to bring him out of his trance. 

“Who the fuck -“ he started but like the feisty woman that I am, I didn’t let him finish. I will not allow any disrespect especially from a man who just thrashed around in front of me like a kid whose candy was stolen. 

“Easy there, tiger,” I teased.

“You were the one who barged out then started doing whatever ritual you just did, without checking if anyone is nearby,” I said in a matter-of-fact tone.

He threw daggers at me then seated on the pavement. It was past midnight already but the night was still young. It was only the third band playing out of 5. I had time to spare.

He placed his arms on his knees then rested his forehead on it. He looked almost asleep. I silently sat feet away from him, making myself comfortable as I look at the sky. The moon was barely lit up, if it wasn’t for the light outside the bar, it would’ve been pitch black out here.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to comfort a sulking man. For all I know he might be just crying over an m&m he dropped and couldn’t find inside because of the crowd. We never really can tell how dramatic a drunk person can be. Trust me, I know.

He suddenly jerked his head up which caused me to look at him. He shut me down rudely saying, “Why the fuck are you still here?! Is it entertaining to watch me lose my fucking mind?” He said with spite laced on his tone like he was so sure I was judging him and laughing my brains out. Fucktard. Who am I to judge? 

I stayed silent and just looked at him. He looked really devastated. I guess it was a Ferrero that got lost. Man, was that delicious. 

Honestly, I didn’t know why I stayed. I guess it felt so wrong to leave someone, who’s obviously should not be left alone, alone. I wish I didn’t leave her alone that night.

“What?! Stop looking at me with pity. You don’t understand what the fuck I am feeling,” He spitted. I wasn’t even looking at him with anything intentionally. 

I withdrew my look and placed my chin on my knees while I hugged my legs. “I’m not here to understand. I will never understand,” I looked at him. “I’m not you.” 

I was never the type of person to want to ask someone about their personal feelings or experiences because if they wanted me to know, they’ll let me know themselves without having to force it out of them. I am not a kind person but I respect people.

But right now feels different. It feels like if I won’t ask him what was eating him alive, it will devour him whole with no way out. 

“Tell me something. Anything. I want to see things from your perspective,” I said without looking at him. I never cared about others. I was never gentle and it cost me everything. It cost me her.

I saw her

It was all too sudden. He grabbed my arm and forced me to look at him. My eyes widen and my heart ached like it was being squeezed hard. The look in his eyes looked way too familiar, so familiar that it haunted me every night. It took my whole will not to break right then and there. 

“Help me,” he asked desperately as his first tear escaped from his left eye. I couldn’t move nor respond. I froze in the spot as tears fell to his cheeks one right after the other. 

I reached over, ever so gently, to wipe his tears-strained cheek. It was so light and was so not me. My hand moved without thinking like the look in his eyes was calling for it. His eyes looked so deep and far away, drowning from tears. He was speaking thousands of words through it. It was really true, eyes were the window to a person’s soul because I saw him and remembered her. 

The look in their eyes was the same; pleading and so so far away but trying hard to reach out. To be touched and saved and brought out from the pain and darkness they became all too familiar with. 

Now, I know what that look really meant. It was the same look that I saw from my younger sister, Zoe, the day before she took her own life. I didn’t know. I had no idea. I was too stuck with my own issues that I never really looked at her. I never got to see her, really see her. 

From that day on, I told myself that I will do everything in my will to reach this man’s hand and pull him out of his misery. It made me want to touch his soul ever so lightly and carefully, afraid he will break any minute. 

This was the part I couldn’t tell him because he was probably so drunk that night he couldn’t recall what happened or what he said. 

I was never of a gentle hand, only to him because I badly hoped I was with her too. And when some bitch started talking bad about him with words she probably doesn’t know the weight on him, I exploded. 

I’ve always told him the necessaries to keep his peace intact; to not care about others or to let bad words enter one ear then exit the other. Since then, he was able to manage his emotions better. Just like he said, he really aimed to be better. 

He could think all he wants that my words were what helped him or all the gentleness I showered him with, but that is not really the case. He asked for my help but it was he who helped himself. It was him who picked up all his pieces and did his all to mend it all back together. 

My heart was happy for him. He wasn’t weak, his strong aura radiated through him everywhere he goes. I know now that no words could trample him, not when I am here to support him from below, or even when he does crumble, I will still be by his side, mending his broken pieces. 

It’s just that whoever that girl was really hit a nerve when I heard her say, ‘What is he, depressed? He could kill himself for all we care,’ all because she heard a small part of his story. 

Kill and him don’t really go well in a sentence and who the fuck was she to wish for the same thing to happen again. I already lost Zoe, not him too.

I took my hand off him, squatted down to match his eye level, and inhaled deeply, ready to let it all out. 

“I was never gentle, Jans. But I was trying,” I started. Determination splashed across my face.

“..yet I’m not perfect. I explode and get angry and thrash around like the fucking donkey that I am,” I continued, hoping I am making sense and the message I wanted to portray was reaching him.

You saw me

“Neither am I,” he said as he touched my cheek to wipe a tear I wasn’t even aware was there. It was so gentle and light that it feels like it was almost never there. 

“You can stop now,” he whispered as he lowered his head, straying his eyes away from mine. 

“You’ve been protecting me for so long and losing your shit for me when you couldn’t even give a damn when the same words are said to you.” I tried to interject but chose not to because he wasn’t wrong. I’ve been unconsciously fighting his battles for him, afraid that he might fall apart and I will have to see that look on his face again. That would shatter me, that’s why I’ve been doing everything to avoid it. 

“You already helped me pull myself out of my misery. You’ll have to let me walk on my own now,” he said sincerely as tears streamed down my face as I finally let it all out. I sobbed loudly like a baby for only God knows how long. 

My heart ached so bad in a good way. The hole inside that Zoe left was nowhere from being whole again but there was a small tug; like how she used to pull me with her tiny hands when we were headed to the ice cream parlor, afraid that every ice cream on Earth will melt any minute now and she will never get to taste its goodness again. A small tug which assured me that she’s there, holding my hand, and leading me to where I am supposed to be.

Finally. I looked at Jans and searched his face, trying to take it all in, like I was seeing him the first time even though we’ve been friends for so long. I settled on his eye and touched its side. 

These are not the same eyes that haunted me for so long. This was Jans’; sometimes looking lonely, like he was so detached but it wasn’t always like that. These eyes were also once beaming with joy when he was talking about how his bias basketball team won; or when he gets to eat ice pop during a scorching day.  

I was so glad that I get to see him when everything’s still not late for him or for me. 

I saw you

I stood up, fixed my appearance, then offered him my hand. He was puzzled, not really following but he stood up too. 

“Hi Ajani, I’m Alexandra. Nice to finally see you,” I smiled weakly but genuinely. He took my hand and returned my smile, even brighter.

“Nice to finally see you too,” he said giddily then pulled me into a hug.

We may have been blinded by our own issues when we first met but I am more than grateful to God for giving me a second chance with you, that I never had with her.

Fishes

We sat there, both lost in our own trail of thoughts. The sun minding its own business setting down to continue its work on lighting up the other side of the world. I can't help but compare the things going through my mind to the clouds scraping the whole sky; mindless of where they’re going yet still continuing its long journey. 

What We Could've Been

"Do you think if we were born as a fish, we'll have less to think about?" he voiced out loudly after an hour he spent in his own solace.

So much for another thought that I have to add in my long list of what ifs. 

"Does it really matter if we're a human or a fish or even a bird?" I answered nonsensically, not quite sure of what to answer to what I have thought a nonsense question.

He suddenly tore away his gaze from the sky and looked at me expectantly. When I didn't change my answer, he sighed dramatically like I'm missing his whole point. "Well, of course, it does!" He exclaimed like he has been so sure about it. 

I waved him off nonchalantly and spent my whole will straying my eyes away the most captivating skies I laid my eyes on to look at him directly in the eyes trying to find what he really meant and terribly failing. I just don't have the energy to think about such a foolish question, especially that my week had been draining from the shouting of my parents every single night to an endless school works due this week. I laughed a little too harshly disregarding him with a shake of my head as I turn to look at the skies again.

What You Became 

If you thought that something special happened that sunset, you're wrong and that's what I regret the most. I should've thought better and analyze carefully of what you have asked. I could've come up with a better answer and not just brushing you off. If I did, then I would've known what you had been thinking for days before that certain afternoon. I should've known what was going through your mind when I was so caught up dealing with my own shits. I just really wish I should've known so that I had even the slightest clue that.. you were tired. I could've accepted it better if you were tired of me. At least, I could still watch you from a far even if that means watching you with somebody else but.. but not like this.. I can't see you around yet I can feel you everywhere. I can feel you sitting right next to me on your usual spot inside the classroom or on our bed resting, scrolling through your Instagram feed. I can hear your laugh vibrating inside my ears that I had to double check if it is just my imagination or I really did hear you or smell your infamous perfume that I have grown into. You're everywhere yet I can't get a hold of you and that is much worse than a break up. 

Here I am for the hundredth time, the wind blowing sharply into my skin. Standing right above the grave you dug yourself, going back to the time I should've answered that not so stupid question. I should've but like the selfish person I am, I chose to ignore you and mind my own problems. 

The Guilt Eating Me Alive

And

I 

couldn’t wish

for 

more

but

to 

become 

a

fish,

And maybe then, I’d have less to think about.

Hatinggabi

Baguio

(Baka Sakaling Sandali by The Storyteller Project)

Baka naman pwedeng humingi ng isa pang gabi,

Kahit paupo lang sa iyong tabi,

Wag kang mag-alala wala namang kailangan lumabas sa iyong mga labi,

Hindi naman talaga lahat ng pagmamahal may ganti,

Pagbigyan mo lang ako at mundo’y saglit na isasantabi,

Nakawin muna natin ang gabi nang walang sabi-sabi. 

Pwede tayong kumain muna sa Jollibee,

Tsaka natin panoorin yung bandang matagal mo nang ipinagmamalaki,

Marami pang oras, huwag ka munang uuwi,

Ayoko kasi sanang magmadali.

Pahingi naman ako ng oras mo kahit kaunti at yung wala akong kahati, 

Hayaan mo muna akong maging makasarili,

Hayaan nating buwan ang maging saksi ng ating mga huling sandali,

Kahit ba ito pa’y pakunwari.

Pagbigyan mo na sana ko kung maaari,

Para walang kahit anong pagsisisi,

Mahirap din kasi kalimutan yung minsan ko nang nakabisadong mga ngiti.

Hindi ko naman na hihilingin ang ‘yong pananatili,

Parehas naman nating alam na sakaniya ka parin uuwi’t uuwi,

Hindi na ko makikisali at kusa nang ikakabig ang mga guni-guni,

Tanggap ko naman ang pagkalugi’t pagiging mali,

Hindi lang talaga mahirap ang umasang pagtapos nito’y may naghihintay na bahaghari,

Na baka doon pwede tayong bumawi,

Na baka sa wakas sa buhay mo'y pwede na kong maging bahagi,

Na baka sa dulo nun ako naman ang iyong pinili,

Na sana doon, tayo naman hanggang sa huli.

Ako lang nama’y nagbabaka sakali,

Kasi hindi lang naman ako pang hatinggabi, 

Nais ko rin maging iyong pang tanghali,

Nais ko rin maging iyong palagi,

Pero pwede ka namang tumanggi,

Sa huli, gusto ko parin kung saan ka mapapabuti,

Kahit ano pang mangyari.

Tayo sa Huling Gabi

Huling Gabi

Ang tulang ito ay mayroong dalawang parte, ang kabalintunaan at ang katotohanan.

Magsimula tayo sa gusto ng nakararami,

Kabalintunaan, ang kasinungalingan.

Payapa ang gabi't himlay ang mga bituin,

Pati ang mga alo'y malumanay na humahampas sa buhangin,

Ni ang mga kulisap ay mas piniling sa ibang lupain magbuhos ng kanilang hinain.

At eto ka sa aking tabi at natutulog nang mahimbing.

Wala ka man lang kamalay-malay na sa kabila ng katahimikan ng kalawakan,

Ang puso ko nama'y naghuhumiyaw na para bang gusto ng kumawala sa kanyang pinagsisidlan. 

Sa sobrang tagal ng ating pananatili sa piling ng isa't isa,

Hindi ko parin mawari kung bakit laging hindi mapakali at parang kinikiliti tuwing ika'y aking katabi,

Ano nga bang nagawa ko at bakit ako binibiyayaan ng ganito kalaki?

Sa kabila ng aking mga pigil na hikbi sa mga iniyakan kong gabi,

Ika'y nanatili at mas piniling makinig

Tumangis ka rin sa aking tabi at naalala ko pa ang iyong sinabi, 

"Mahal, parang awa mo na ibigay mo nalang sakin lahat ng hinanakit dahil hindi ko kayang panoorin kang namimilipit sa sakit"

Malayo ako sa pagiging perpekto,

Pero ako parin ang iyong ginawang paborito at doon ko mismo napagtanto 

Na ang tahanang matagal ko ng hinahanap ay sa piling mo.

Marami sigurong aburido at nagtatanong kung bakit ang isang tao'y ginawa ko ng mundo,

Hindi nila maiintindihan kung paanong parang sinusunog ang aking lalamunan sa bawat di kaakit akit na salita na kailangan kong bitawan sa ating awayan,

Mahal, wala silang kamalayan kung paanong parang may namumuong delubyo sa aking puso makita ko lamang ang mga ngiti mo,

O kung paanong nanlulumo ang aking mga tuhod marinig ko lamang ang boses mo,

O kung paanong isang tingin ko lamang sa mga mata mo'y napapatigil na ako't di mawari ang sunod na salitang pakakawalan,

O kung paanong nagiging iyong alipin ang aking damdamin na hindi basta-basta kayang paalpasin.

Tinuruan mo akong maging isang lawin na kayang liparin ang himapapawirin na kahit anumang pagsubok ang harapin, 
Maasahan kong sabay nating babaybayin ang walang kasiguraduhang mundo dahil mahal, sigurado ako sayo.

Kaya sa huling gabing payapa ang gabi't malumanay ang hangin 

At ang mga alo'y humihimlay sa buhangin

At ang mga kulisap ay sa ibang lupain binubuhos ang kanilang mga hinain,

Irog, sinong magaakala na totoo nga ang kasabihan na sa haba-haba ng nilakaran ay sa simbahan din ang ating hahantungan. 

Kaya, mahal, pagbigyan mo ako sa huling gabing ito, 

Na hindi pa tayo pinag-iisa ng langit at mga bituin,

Makikisabay ako sa daloy ng mga ulap at agos ng hangin,

At sa Itaas ako'y hihiling,

Ang taong tulad mo'y pinagdasal ko ng mataimtim

At ngayong ika'y nasa akin nang piling

Wala na kong balak na ikaw pa'y paalisin. 

Huling Tayo

Pero, mahal, tayo'y mga ibon

Na mas piniling sa ibang panahon na lamang muling magtagpo dahil tayo'y lumiko sa magkaibang direksyon.

At eto ang totoo, ganito ang mundo.

Yung akala mong walang mintis at kay tayog, guguho at guguho.

At eto na nga tayo, sa pinaka ayokong katotohanan. 

Hindi ko maintindihan, paano nga ba nawala sakin ang aking tahanan? 

Walang patid na pagbusina ng mga sasakyan,

Kaluskos ng mga paang nagmamadali papunta sa kanya-kanyang tahanan,

Nakakarinding kaguluhan.

Dito ata pinili ng mga kulisap magbuhos ng kanilang mga hinain sapagkat wala ka na sa aking piling.

Subukan naman natin ang kuwento natin.

Nagsimula tayo,

Pinagpatuloy natin,

Iginapang natin,

Natalo ako,

Lumaban ka,

Nagalit ka,

Sumuko ako,

Mga luhang umaagos,

Mga salitang tumatagos,

Mga emosyong bumubuhos,

Pusong nakagapos,

Pagmamahal nating lubos,

At iyong huling haplos,

umaagos, tumatagos, bumubuhos, nakagapos, lubos, haplos, tapos

At doon na nga tayo nagtapos,

At sa loob lamang ng ilang oras,

Dalawang taon ay nauwi sa upos.

Baka nga dapat na lamang nating iasa sa Diyos.

Baka sakaling Siya, kaya niya pang isaayos.

Baka puwedeng punan Niya yung mga bagay na tayo'y kinapos.

Baka Siya alam Niya yung tamang kilos,

Pero sa huli, ang punto, tayo'y nagtapos. 

Mahigit isang daang salita,

Ngunit iisa ang ginugunita,

Mula sa kulay ng iyong mga mata,

Hanggang sa pagmamahal mong mapagportekta.

Mahal kita,

At patuloy kitang mamahalin,

Matapos man ang kwento natin.

Kaya sana huwag mo namang balewalain,

Kung paanong pinili kong mag-iwan ng mga magagandang gugunitain,

Kaysa tuluyan pang ang estorya natin ay masamain.

Hindi lang naman to para sa akin,

Pero maiintindihan ko kung sa galit ika'y maging alipin.

Para sa mga pangakong sa wala nauwi, paumanhin

Para sa emosyong namumutawi, paumanhin

At para sa mga gabing nais ika'y mabawi, paumanhin

Kung kaya ko lang, damdami'y papatayin.

Panalangin nawa'y dinggin,

Kasiyahan mo lamang ang hinihiling,

Kahit wala na ako sa iyong piling.

Hindi mo alam kung paanong parang ako'y pinaglalaruan ng sarili kong isipan,

Paano bang basta na lamang mawala ang taong pinag-alayan ko ng lahat-lahat?

Hindi ko na alam kung pano ipapanalo ang laban,

Nakikita parin kita sa mga lugar na minsan nating napuntahan,

Naamoy parin kita sa paborito kong kasuotan,

Naririnig ko parin bawat hikbi at kalungkutan.

Kaya, mahal, pagbigyan mo ako sa huling gabing ito,

Makikisabay tayo sa ingay ng mundo,

Umasa na lamang tayong matatapos din ang delubyo sa ating mga puso.

Tapos na ang laro ng pantintero,

Oras na para magbitaw at sa buwan tayo'y magpapaagaw,

Mga nakaw na sandali, dadaming di maikubli,

Tama na.

Awat na.

Ayoko na.